bruises

this is the beginnings of a poem i wrote about my childhood…it's pretty dark but very therapeutic for me so it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!!

Stability, safety, love and attention,

Sprinkler, tricycles, laughter and popsicles,

Two curly heads bobbing in the stroller,

No one could have predicted what would happen when we got older.

new house, new church, new school, new friends,

everything suddenly changing in those winter months,

you used to love  us, you used to care,

now you work long hours and are never there.

Hardship of trying to fit in  and find friends,

Secretly thankful to always have had my twin.

We’d take your absence any day,

If it meant that youd take back all the words you would say.

The donut was thrown as you rushed us out the door,

Astonished, hurt, confused, who is this woman we call mom?

We get to the school and you blame it on the twins,

But we cant be the scapegoat for all of your sins.

Who could ever have predicted?

Who could have known?

That one little incident of throwing some food,

Would snap you into a different woman with a completely different mood.

Our elementary years flew by so fast,

We’d just hide our bruises in kickball and in class,

"Die today die today" was always what you said,

And our fragile tea cup hearts just filled up with dread.

What did you think when you looked into our sad blue eyes?

Did you think all the parties and gifts would make up for bruises and slaps?

Did you know that your girls would have a lifetime of fighting lies,

All because you treated us like we were the devil in disguise?

Ill never forget those gritting teeth and secret words of abuse,

Shattering my heart, it never got easier to take,

I would walk on eggshells each time you were around,

Just waiting for the next punch or slap to pound my head into the ground.

The years flew by and our confidence was shaken,

We had perfect marks in school, nice clothes, plenty of toys,

But years later people would say “I knew something was going on”

The way you and your twin would hide from people and sit on the outskirts, all alone.

My adolescent years it was the hardest to stomach,

My heart was so tender I needed extra affirmation and trust,

But I drowned my sorrows in food and perfection,

When all I really wanted was a mom’s love and affection.

The jangle of that demon deacon key chain happened time and time again,
what a joke you were, you were never a father, you were never a friend.

A foe hidden behind your façade of peace and pride,

Who is that shell of a man living inside?

Summer Leadership Project Recap

Our time at the beach was so fun this year. God did so much in the hearts of the students that came to the Leadership Project for 8 short weeks. We are so excited about what God will do in each of their lives this next school year!!

This is a video Jake put together from some students he interviewed the last night we were in Myrtle Beach. We hope this gives you a small glimpse into our world as missionaries on the college campus!!

5 things i'm loving right now

It's finally starting to feel like summer around here!! :) :) For me, that means i am always in a tank top and shorts and flip flops. In just 3 short weeks, we will be heading to myrtle beach for a month for the leadership project once again!! i can't wait to live beside the beach again ;). here's 5 little things i'm obsessed with right now:

1. This swimsuit from target- call me babyish, call me color obsessed....i love this cute suit. I love it because it's ruffly and modest!!! I am all about a modest suit and this one is so cute!! i just got it and i know it will be my new favorite!

2. Kiehl's coconut lip balm. I have been using this stuff for years. It is amazing. Like a pillow for your lips. I get it at the Kiehl's counter at Belk and it lasts at least 6 months!! it instantly reminds me of summer.

3. These awesome pants from j crew outlet. they may look a little mom-ish, but i'm all about them. i am pairing them with a navy cotton peplum shirt or a bright orange tank for a more casual look.

4.This nail polish by zoya in "lovely." It is the perfect sky blue and looks great with a tan!! It stays on super long and is organic too. it's like clouds in a bottle.

5. Organix sea salt spray- i love this stuff. It is great for hair like mine that's wavy/curly and looks very beachy, plus it's only $8.00 at walmart!

No one told me.

No one told me....

that when you have a baby, your heart expands farther than you ever thought it could.

that i would truly find my calling in life in being called mommy.


that all my dreams and plans for something bigger and something more wouldn't seem so important anymore.

that my heart would find forever love in being a mom to my little peanut.

I love my little maggie so much. Lately, in moments of downtime, i find myself praising God and thanking Him that it took Him giving me a surprise pregnancy and a surprise baby to gently teach me these things. As many friends as i have that have told me how amazing (and amazingly hard too at times) it is to be a parent, i am really experiencing it. I am experiencing the nearness to God, the teachable moments that He has for MY heart in being a parent. Everyday He teaches me how messed up I am as i try to correct maggie's bad behavior, but then i turn and am faced with my own sinful heart.

As I rock Maggie at night, change another diaper, or cut up her food into little bites, i find myself grateful. I am grateful to God for a husband that loves Jesus and loves my family and wants to parent maggie well. I am grateful that i am free to stay at home with maggie every day, to teach her, nurture her and discipline her.

No one told me how much i would fall in love with my sweet little Maggie Grace. Nothing could have prepared me for the joy and hardship of becoming a mom, and seeing the depths of my sin even more.

God is so good.

clinging to the cross

Since becoming a Christian, i have had all kinds of responses to my past. My tragic past. The most common ones are

"but you're a new creation in Christ now. All that stuff doesn't affect you."

"That stuff will be a good kind of pain someday, like the pain of childbirth." 

"You need to move on and get over it."

"I don't want that to always affect you.."

I get it. The people who told me these things most likely were ignorant or scared. Scared of the horror of my story. Clueless. Maybe numbing their own pain in a way. 

What i've come to realize is that life is full of pain for every person, Christian or not. 

We live in a hurting world. People are crying out for attention, desperate for love. They may not cry out in the way Maggie does (well she actually screams) but they may "cry" out with the way they dress, how they spend their time, what they become known for.

I know. I have been there. Before God truly adopted me into His family, i tried to define myself by so many things, but they were empty. 

The truth is, that God loves me so much. More than i could ever comprehend. In fact, He allowed me to endure 15 or so long years of deep pain and scars. 

The scars will heal, but they will never go away. They are etched on my soul, written on my mind. I can not erase the memories that haunt me sometimes. They are there. They really happened. That pain is not a quick pain that happens once and then leaves a scar. That pain was one i endured day after day, month after month, year after year.

I truly do believe that God is faithful. Romans 8:28 tells me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called  according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called;those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.

I know that God allowed me to endure these deep scars for my good and for the good of others. This doesn't make them easier to bear at times, for they break me time and time again, and i reach the end of myself over and over again, only to find His face there. To see His grace.

Around here

Lately, things have been fun around our house!! Last week, we took a week to rest and relax since students were away, and we went to jake's parents cabin in north carolina.
while we were there we cooked, played with maggie, and got snowed in!! we also played scattergories nightly, just me and jake <3 .="" p="">then, jake's mom and sister came to visit us!! we never get to see them much, so it was a treat!! also, they let us go to dinner and a walk, just the two of us. i am all about some one on one time with my man.
then, we visited my family in north carolina for a night to see my little sister, who was home from spring break in college.
it was so fun to see her.
she is really growing up and loves jesus so much.
what more could a big sister ask for??! i am so proud of her.
we rested, we ate, we played.

in the midst of all this, i have been wrestling with the Lord. wrestling with insecurity and identity. sometimes, i like to go at life really really fast and fill my days up, and i am coming to realize that while it is a good thing i am adventurous, at times it can be bad.
it fills the void so i don't have to face the hard stuff.
the hard pruning that the Lord is doing in my life and in my heart.
But He wants me to change and grow and be molded into the woman He is creating me to be each day.
so...i also had time to reflect on me. And the main thing i realized is that i often don't get grace.
how He loves me through all my mess ups, issues, and failures.
how He accepts me because of Jesus.
how He loves when i spend time with Him.


i don't get it.

But i am praying daily and seeking Him in His word, praying that He would help me to accept this grace He has given me, and to give it away to others.

my story...

 us in college

 me as a freshman. Hiding a life of neglect behind my smile.

Last night Lindsay and I were sitting around, painting nails with college girls and talking about life. Sharing engagement stories, stories of our Furman days, all kinds of fun. At one point, we started talking about freshman year at furman. 

how we just sat in our rooms.

no one knew us.

we knew no one.

we had no confidence.

"the twins."

Its funny now, to look back on my life before Christ, and i can laugh about it in a way. I have a new freedom because my identity is no longer wrapped up in what other people will think about me if they knew about me. Knew about my past.

Knew about the abuse. 

I used to be so ashamed to admit-my whole childhood i felt worthless. i was told i was disgusting! Ugly! Didn't deserve to live! 

Now, i know Galatians 5:1 to be true-

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free."

God, the God of the universe who created me, loved me, and even ALLOWED me to endure a childhood of scarring memories, wants me to have freedom from these things.

And slowly, i am watching Him mold me into a new woman. It's not happening in a flash, but in the day in, day out living life. 

Taking risks. Telling your story to impact other's lives. Believing that He is who He says He is:

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

I know this to be true in my life. There truly is redemption and healing that has come from the scars. Though they will always be there, etched in my soul, burned deep into me. I can't forget the depths of living half a life. Not really ever living as a child, always living to escape. Put one foot in front of the other, just try to survive. But now, He has called me to be a part of His kingdom, His family-

Psalm 126: 5-6

"those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, 

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them."

I finally have a family where i belong.

this mom thing...its hard.

I couldn't find the words to say, so i just didn't write. i could write about all the great friends i have here in greenville. i could write about how cute and sweet and perfect maggie is and how she melts my heart each day. i could write about the way my love for jake keeps growing and growing. i could write about all these things. good things.

but there is something deeper. something nagging, painful, stripping me of all comfort i have known in my life.....
anxiety. There, i said it. the feeling of being out of control. Of circumstances, of life... i know that God uses so many different things in our lives to show us that HE is truly the only ONE in control. He has shown me this through the last 6 years as a new Christian. BUT whoa. I was NOT ready for this.

Lately, i have seen it. Seen my lack of control. How little control i really have over my life after all. I love to believe that i do have control. After all, i get to decide what i'll wear, what i will do, and how my day will go, right? Wrong. this is the secret of motherhood-the constant, wearing sacrifice of laying my own life down for maggie daily. I can "predict" how my day will go, but God may not allow it to happen that way. I can plan a trip to the store when maggie is not tired, but that doesn't mean she won't be fussy. I can plan fun things to do, but maggie can sleep right through them and then they don't happen.
God has been gracious to me in not allowing my plans to happen. DAILY, He is showing me that it has to be His will above MY will, that i am to daily surrender myself and my life to Him.
this has been so humbling and so hard and brought me to my knees. Crying, rocking like a baby, seeing my sin of control, my hands gripped so tightly to my way.

When God gave me this baby, He asked me to give of myself, past what i think i can give, on a daily basis. i think it's one thing to give of yourself for a set time every day, but this job? This is constant.
Above all else, i have seen the enormous task and responsibility of raising Maggie. I can't ignore this command from the Word. but in this, i am paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear of doing this wrong. fear of not doing enough. fear, anxiety....
which brings me back to the One who saved me from myself in the first place, to live for Him. During this season of pruning, figuring out what it means for me to selflessly give of myself for my family, i have realized that i can't do this in my own strength. i will fail miserably when left to myself. I am needier of Jesus than i have ever been. no, that's not true, i am as needy as i always have been, but God is opening my eyes daily to my insufficiency and deep need. i have been clinging to this passage in matthew-“Therefore I tell you, do not worry^(B) about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.^(C) Are you not much more valuable than they?^(D)27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?^(E)

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor^(F) was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?^(G) 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.^(H)33 But seek first his kingdom^(I) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.^(J) 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Maggie is growing up soo fast!! Too fast for me :(. I love her new independence, but i definitely miss her being so little and letting me hold her all the time!! Right now she is-

*16 months

* JUST started walking. We knew she could walk for a while but just didn't want to. I think she's stubborn..it must run in the family. My nickname was "mule" as a kid because i was so stubborn. My parents still call me mule today.

*Very affectionate. maggie loves to be cuddled, held, and to have her face and hands tickled. When she's really sleepy on long car rides, she grabs my hand and puts it on her arm to tickle it.

*Loves to drink "jus". If maggie could, she would drink a gallon of apple juice every day and that's it. She doesn't really like to eat and only eats a few things. 

*Is long and thin. It was really funny when she couldn't walk and just crawled when there were babies twice her size walking!!

*Loves to organize her food. Loves using a plate with dividers and putting her food in different sections. Will also "clean" for us and come hand us crumbs from the floor one at a time and say, "thank you."

*Says "Da-gee" for Maggie, "mose" for nose and loves to point at "tees (trees) and "lise"( lights). 

* Loves taking baths and eating the bubbles. Bubble is her favorite word!

*Is very independent and likes to explore and play by herself.

* Loves to sleep. Maggie asks to go night night every hour or so!! She is only awake a few hours a day! And she loves night time. the later it gets, the more excited she is. (she gets this from me ;))

* Loves music and loves playing the piano.

*Loves animals. The first thing she says every morning when she wakes up is "meow" and asks to go pet our cat!

Being a mom is a true blessing from the Lord. I love getting to teach maggie new things, play with her, and even take care of her. She is such a little gem. I am so thankful for her each day...not that it's not challenging ;)