bruises

this is the beginnings of a poem i wrote about my childhood…it's pretty dark but very therapeutic for me so it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!!

Stability, safety, love and attention,

Sprinkler, tricycles, laughter and popsicles,

Two curly heads bobbing in the stroller,

No one could have predicted what would happen when we got older.

new house, new church, new school, new friends,

everything suddenly changing in those winter months,

you used to love  us, you used to care,

now you work long hours and are never there.

Hardship of trying to fit in  and find friends,

Secretly thankful to always have had my twin.

We’d take your absence any day,

If it meant that youd take back all the words you would say.

The donut was thrown as you rushed us out the door,

Astonished, hurt, confused, who is this woman we call mom?

We get to the school and you blame it on the twins,

But we cant be the scapegoat for all of your sins.

Who could ever have predicted?

Who could have known?

That one little incident of throwing some food,

Would snap you into a different woman with a completely different mood.

Our elementary years flew by so fast,

We’d just hide our bruises in kickball and in class,

"Die today die today" was always what you said,

And our fragile tea cup hearts just filled up with dread.

What did you think when you looked into our sad blue eyes?

Did you think all the parties and gifts would make up for bruises and slaps?

Did you know that your girls would have a lifetime of fighting lies,

All because you treated us like we were the devil in disguise?

Ill never forget those gritting teeth and secret words of abuse,

Shattering my heart, it never got easier to take,

I would walk on eggshells each time you were around,

Just waiting for the next punch or slap to pound my head into the ground.

The years flew by and our confidence was shaken,

We had perfect marks in school, nice clothes, plenty of toys,

But years later people would say “I knew something was going on”

The way you and your twin would hide from people and sit on the outskirts, all alone.

My adolescent years it was the hardest to stomach,

My heart was so tender I needed extra affirmation and trust,

But I drowned my sorrows in food and perfection,

When all I really wanted was a mom’s love and affection.

The jangle of that demon deacon key chain happened time and time again,
what a joke you were, you were never a father, you were never a friend.

A foe hidden behind your façade of peace and pride,

Who is that shell of a man living inside?