The vacant stare in my eyes gave it away. there was something wrong. something wrong with ME. I was a "nobody, a worthless piece of nothing you bitch." I was the worst kid ever. I brought you home good grades, i dressed in whatever you told me to, i said the things you told me to say, and did the things you told me to do. I was still a "piece of crap." I wasn't worth your time and your money you said, on my 10th birthday when you refused to throw me a party. I was going to "see how it felt" to not get things in life. Nothing could cheer me up that day.

Not the funfetti cake.

Not the new Limited Too clothes.

Not the ten sparkly pink candles.

Nothing.

I took my cake and ate it silently. It didn't even taste good. I didn't even want it. All i wanted was a family.

"But we have that", i thought to myself. "we are a normal family." I started in on my normal list:

We have friends over and go to pizza inn and movie outlet

we go on family vacations every year to myrtle beach

we have a nice house with our dog oreo and a trampoline

we go to church on sunday and wednesday nights

we get takeout from Caulfield's

What I should have said was

we have friends over and go to pizza inn, then get beat up on sunday because the house isn't clean

we go on family vacations where mom pitches fits and refuses to go the night before every. single. time.

we have a nice house and that's all we have-the walls. we don't have conversation within these walls.

we go to church on sunday and wednesday night and we fake like we're normal.

we get takeout from caulfield's because mom's job is more important to her than ever being around at dinner.

Fast forward-6 years later.

it is the day of my first pep rally. A day i have worked towards for the last 3 months, holding an extra cheerleading practice each week for the last month. I am so proud. Not only did we raise all the money for our trendy maroon and gold uniforms, we also got matching asics to go with them. Our stunts were all coming together, and i was so excited to show off my moves. my bangs looked perfect, my brown hair straightened to a crisp. just how i liked it. The vacant stare was gone from my eyes. Now a confident young woman stood before you that day, determined to "amount to something." I looked up in the stands and you were there. I could barely believe it. I was so excited. 

The introductions started and i ran out when my name was called, trying desperately to make eye contact with you. You didn't look at me. You were there, but you weren't there. You were somewhere else, in your own world, probably thinking about work deadlines and losing the next 5 pounds. When i got finished, i ran over to you. I wanted what i had always wanted, what every little girl longs to hear from the time she is a toddler and can talk. "I love you, i'm so proud of you."

silence.

But this time, i didn't hang my head low and let it bother me. No, this time i had someone i could count on to believe in me, and i knew that night he would make it alright.