a serious post...

 I haven't posted anything on my blog in a while. And today i was thinking about why. I have to admit, i think it's because of fear: fear of hurting other people with my opinions and thoughts, fear of other people hearing my life story, fear of being found out. It's funny how, as a Christian, i have already been found out and have nothing to hide, no one to hide from. The King of the universe, the Lord of all creation loves me and calls me His. He delights in me, He calls me his daughter...yet so often i want to hide in the bushes and make coverings for myself.

If you don't know me, most of what i am talking about is my past. Most days i would like to run away from it...far, far away and pretend it never happened. Yet over and over again God is working it for my good and the good of others in my life.

I can't escape the story that God has written for my life. For so long, growing up in an abusive home, i was helpless, afraid, alone, and totally abandoned. Needy, i sobbed in my room for hours on end, with no one to come rescue me out of the hell i was living in: outwardly, we looked like the perfect family. With the perfect house. With the perfect twins. With the perfect grades. inwardly, i was dying to perform well enough. be good enough. finally earn the approval of the person who gave birth to me. 

Fast forward ten years later, as a sophomore in college, where i finally found the one thing i'd been searching for all my life-grace. I FINALLY had it, the freedom to be ME and still be loved by the perfect One who died for me. 

Now, here i am, six years after that- a mom to a baby girl. I am fearful, anxious, have no clue what i am doing. Often i ask God "why now? Did you really think i was mature enough to handle being a parent?" And over and over again, i hear Him answer me, through His word and in prayer-NO, he tells me. No one is good enough, strong enough, capable enough to do My will. Knowing that you are an unworthy sinner and trusting in Me is the way to true humility, peace, daily repentance in parenthood. 

Daily, He is turning my anxiety to hope and courage, and using my painful past to humble me in ways i never could have imagined.