"Maggie, if you do that again mommy will have to spank you."
And as i took her into her room, laid her on her changing table,
put my hand up to spank her little chubby leg,
looked into her vibrant blue eyes, and saw…..
myself as a child.
spank….spank.
In the Christian circles I run in, this topic is always up for discussion…"did you count to three before you spanked her?" "Should i spank her when she pitches a fit?" But what do say when you are suffering from the effects of your abusive childhood? Do you even bring up the questions with your mom group and friends? do you just say, as everyone is talking, "hey guys, should i spank her even though I'm suddenly crying and remembering how I would get chased into my room, beat up, and then left to cry until my face turned splotchy, and wake up and go to school the next morning with puffy eyes. I was left to feel discarded. Abandoned. Like the "worthless piece of nothing" she told me i was.

i have felt really alone the last year and a half in dealing with all of the affects of being abused. But i have found so much comfort from Jesus. When i was in the depths of figuring out if i would spank maggie or not, i clung to the verse, Psalm 23:4 "Though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

In a way, having maggie has forced me to walk back through that valley of a childhood I lived in. Those same feelings of worthlessness, fear, pain, and dread filled me to the brim every time maggie would disobey. "what do i do now?" i would ask myself, 'should i spank her? If i do, will it scar her?" (No, i know it will not scar her, but my mind sees any type of hitting touch as 'bad touch' because of the violence in my home). In these moments, i learned to turn to jesus, to cling to him and know that he would guide me in this and everything with maggie. It has been a long dark road, and i am beginning to see the light. I no longer care if people understand me and what i went through as a child. if you haven't been abused, mocked. mistreated, and scorned, then you won't even begin to understand what it does to your brain.
But Jesus has. Isaiah 53:3 has comforted me in times of weeping and sorrow. It says, " He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Jesus went through way more pain than i have gone through on this earth, so when i go to Him in tears because i look in maggies eyes and think, "how could someone have treated me this way?" He gets it. And He has been there. And He died for the people that treated Him like dirt. And He died for the people that treated me like dirt. And I am free to love them because my love doesn't come from me anyway, it comes from Him. More than anything, my heart longs for friends who will let me be the broken woman that i am. Let Jesus heal me in His timing. let it take the lifetime that it will take-walking through life as a mama to maggie is how God is allowing me to heal, to set new patterns in my family and to look her in the eyes and say, i love you because you're you, because you're made in God's image, and no matter what, i will always love you.

Tonight, i was reminded once again why God allowed me to go through being abused as a child. Jake and i were out on a date at a japanese restaurant and some girls and their boyfriends from high school set down beside us. As the chef was cooking our food, we began to make small talk with two of the girls. Eventually, jake showed them a picture of maggie. And we got on the topic of me being a mom. And i got to tell the story. The awful, awesome story of how God gave us a child and brought healing and hope into my family. How God brought a baby and gave us restoration and forgiveness, apologies and tears. And they both opened up to us. And told us they were from abusive homes.
My heart ached, because in that moment i knew i was doing what God wanted me to do with my story-to proclaim freedom for the captives, to tell them, God still loves you and He has a plan for your life. And to listen. To listen to those girls, those beautiful girls, who, on the outside looked a lot different than me, but on the inside, both just wanted their daddies to say, "You are beautiful. I love you daughter." And i got to tell them the story of how when i was 20 i finally heard God loudly say to me,
You are beautiful.
You are not worthless.
I am glad you were born.
I have always loved you and will alway love you.
I am committed to you forever.

And one of the saddest, most heart-wrenching moments of the night was when Jake got up to use the bathroom, and one girl leaned over to me and said, "y'all are the sweetest, cutest couple ever. And you have the most precious baby ever." And i wanted to weep right there in front of them and say, "We are the same inside. God wants to give you a beautiful life. God wants to heal your broken heart." And it was so sad, yet so beautiful at the same time, how they both opened up with Jake, and how when they found out he was a dad they felt like they could trust him, and how he did understand them! He understood the pain and suffering they have been going through!
And i thought about it this way-God was so gracious to give me and Jake to each other so that we could understand people who have different stories than our own. how 6 years ago Jake didn't have a heart for abused people, but now, as we were leaving the restaurant, we both said in unison,
Conversations like that make me feel so alive. i feel so at home when i'm talking about brokenness.

its because we are at home. we are all at the foot of the cross. all broken. it may not look the same on the outside, but we are desperate and needy for the One who reaches down and comforts us, and will comfort us forever.