clinging to the cross

Since becoming a Christian, i have had all kinds of responses to my past. My tragic past. The most common ones are

"but you're a new creation in Christ now. All that stuff doesn't affect you."

"That stuff will be a good kind of pain someday, like the pain of childbirth." 

"You need to move on and get over it."

"I don't want that to always affect you.."

I get it. The people who told me these things most likely were ignorant or scared. Scared of the horror of my story. Clueless. Maybe numbing their own pain in a way. 

What i've come to realize is that life is full of pain for every person, Christian or not. 

We live in a hurting world. People are crying out for attention, desperate for love. They may not cry out in the way Maggie does (well she actually screams) but they may "cry" out with the way they dress, how they spend their time, what they become known for.

I know. I have been there. Before God truly adopted me into His family, i tried to define myself by so many things, but they were empty. 

The truth is, that God loves me so much. More than i could ever comprehend. In fact, He allowed me to endure 15 or so long years of deep pain and scars. 

The scars will heal, but they will never go away. They are etched on my soul, written on my mind. I can not erase the memories that haunt me sometimes. They are there. They really happened. That pain is not a quick pain that happens once and then leaves a scar. That pain was one i endured day after day, month after month, year after year.

I truly do believe that God is faithful. Romans 8:28 tells me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called  according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called;those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.

I know that God allowed me to endure these deep scars for my good and for the good of others. This doesn't make them easier to bear at times, for they break me time and time again, and i reach the end of myself over and over again, only to find His face there. To see His grace.

Around here

Lately, things have been fun around our house!! Last week, we took a week to rest and relax since students were away, and we went to jake's parents cabin in north carolina.
while we were there we cooked, played with maggie, and got snowed in!! we also played scattergories nightly, just me and jake <3 .="" p="">then, jake's mom and sister came to visit us!! we never get to see them much, so it was a treat!! also, they let us go to dinner and a walk, just the two of us. i am all about some one on one time with my man.
then, we visited my family in north carolina for a night to see my little sister, who was home from spring break in college.
it was so fun to see her.
she is really growing up and loves jesus so much.
what more could a big sister ask for??! i am so proud of her.
we rested, we ate, we played.

in the midst of all this, i have been wrestling with the Lord. wrestling with insecurity and identity. sometimes, i like to go at life really really fast and fill my days up, and i am coming to realize that while it is a good thing i am adventurous, at times it can be bad.
it fills the void so i don't have to face the hard stuff.
the hard pruning that the Lord is doing in my life and in my heart.
But He wants me to change and grow and be molded into the woman He is creating me to be each day.
so...i also had time to reflect on me. And the main thing i realized is that i often don't get grace.
how He loves me through all my mess ups, issues, and failures.
how He accepts me because of Jesus.
how He loves when i spend time with Him.


i don't get it.

But i am praying daily and seeking Him in His word, praying that He would help me to accept this grace He has given me, and to give it away to others.