my story...

 us in college

 me as a freshman. Hiding a life of neglect behind my smile.

Last night Lindsay and I were sitting around, painting nails with college girls and talking about life. Sharing engagement stories, stories of our Furman days, all kinds of fun. At one point, we started talking about freshman year at furman. 

how we just sat in our rooms.

no one knew us.

we knew no one.

we had no confidence.

"the twins."

Its funny now, to look back on my life before Christ, and i can laugh about it in a way. I have a new freedom because my identity is no longer wrapped up in what other people will think about me if they knew about me. Knew about my past.

Knew about the abuse. 

I used to be so ashamed to admit-my whole childhood i felt worthless. i was told i was disgusting! Ugly! Didn't deserve to live! 

Now, i know Galatians 5:1 to be true-

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free."

God, the God of the universe who created me, loved me, and even ALLOWED me to endure a childhood of scarring memories, wants me to have freedom from these things.

And slowly, i am watching Him mold me into a new woman. It's not happening in a flash, but in the day in, day out living life. 

Taking risks. Telling your story to impact other's lives. Believing that He is who He says He is:

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

I know this to be true in my life. There truly is redemption and healing that has come from the scars. Though they will always be there, etched in my soul, burned deep into me. I can't forget the depths of living half a life. Not really ever living as a child, always living to escape. Put one foot in front of the other, just try to survive. But now, He has called me to be a part of His kingdom, His family-

Psalm 126: 5-6

"those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, 

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them."

I finally have a family where i belong.

this mom thing...its hard.

I couldn't find the words to say, so i just didn't write. i could write about all the great friends i have here in greenville. i could write about how cute and sweet and perfect maggie is and how she melts my heart each day. i could write about the way my love for jake keeps growing and growing. i could write about all these things. good things.

but there is something deeper. something nagging, painful, stripping me of all comfort i have known in my life.....
anxiety. There, i said it. the feeling of being out of control. Of circumstances, of life... i know that God uses so many different things in our lives to show us that HE is truly the only ONE in control. He has shown me this through the last 6 years as a new Christian. BUT whoa. I was NOT ready for this.

Lately, i have seen it. Seen my lack of control. How little control i really have over my life after all. I love to believe that i do have control. After all, i get to decide what i'll wear, what i will do, and how my day will go, right? Wrong. this is the secret of motherhood-the constant, wearing sacrifice of laying my own life down for maggie daily. I can "predict" how my day will go, but God may not allow it to happen that way. I can plan a trip to the store when maggie is not tired, but that doesn't mean she won't be fussy. I can plan fun things to do, but maggie can sleep right through them and then they don't happen.
God has been gracious to me in not allowing my plans to happen. DAILY, He is showing me that it has to be His will above MY will, that i am to daily surrender myself and my life to Him.
this has been so humbling and so hard and brought me to my knees. Crying, rocking like a baby, seeing my sin of control, my hands gripped so tightly to my way.

When God gave me this baby, He asked me to give of myself, past what i think i can give, on a daily basis. i think it's one thing to give of yourself for a set time every day, but this job? This is constant.
Above all else, i have seen the enormous task and responsibility of raising Maggie. I can't ignore this command from the Word. but in this, i am paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear of doing this wrong. fear of not doing enough. fear, anxiety....
which brings me back to the One who saved me from myself in the first place, to live for Him. During this season of pruning, figuring out what it means for me to selflessly give of myself for my family, i have realized that i can't do this in my own strength. i will fail miserably when left to myself. I am needier of Jesus than i have ever been. no, that's not true, i am as needy as i always have been, but God is opening my eyes daily to my insufficiency and deep need. i have been clinging to this passage in matthew-“Therefore I tell you, do not worry^(B) about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.^(C) Are you not much more valuable than they?^(D)27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?^(E)

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor^(F) was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?^(G) 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.^(H)33 But seek first his kingdom^(I) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.^(J) 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.