my story...

 us in college

 me as a freshman. Hiding a life of neglect behind my smile.

Last night Lindsay and I were sitting around, painting nails with college girls and talking about life. Sharing engagement stories, stories of our Furman days, all kinds of fun. At one point, we started talking about freshman year at furman. 

how we just sat in our rooms.

no one knew us.

we knew no one.

we had no confidence.

"the twins."

Its funny now, to look back on my life before Christ, and i can laugh about it in a way. I have a new freedom because my identity is no longer wrapped up in what other people will think about me if they knew about me. Knew about my past.

Knew about the abuse. 

I used to be so ashamed to admit-my whole childhood i felt worthless. i was told i was disgusting! Ugly! Didn't deserve to live! 

Now, i know Galatians 5:1 to be true-

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free."

God, the God of the universe who created me, loved me, and even ALLOWED me to endure a childhood of scarring memories, wants me to have freedom from these things.

And slowly, i am watching Him mold me into a new woman. It's not happening in a flash, but in the day in, day out living life. 

Taking risks. Telling your story to impact other's lives. Believing that He is who He says He is:

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

I know this to be true in my life. There truly is redemption and healing that has come from the scars. Though they will always be there, etched in my soul, burned deep into me. I can't forget the depths of living half a life. Not really ever living as a child, always living to escape. Put one foot in front of the other, just try to survive. But now, He has called me to be a part of His kingdom, His family-

Psalm 126: 5-6

"those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, 

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them."

I finally have a family where i belong.

this mom thing...its hard.

I couldn't find the words to say, so i just didn't write. i could write about all the great friends i have here in greenville. i could write about how cute and sweet and perfect maggie is and how she melts my heart each day. i could write about the way my love for jake keeps growing and growing. i could write about all these things. good things.

but there is something deeper. something nagging, painful, stripping me of all comfort i have known in my life.....
anxiety. There, i said it. the feeling of being out of control. Of circumstances, of life... i know that God uses so many different things in our lives to show us that HE is truly the only ONE in control. He has shown me this through the last 6 years as a new Christian. BUT whoa. I was NOT ready for this.

Lately, i have seen it. Seen my lack of control. How little control i really have over my life after all. I love to believe that i do have control. After all, i get to decide what i'll wear, what i will do, and how my day will go, right? Wrong. this is the secret of motherhood-the constant, wearing sacrifice of laying my own life down for maggie daily. I can "predict" how my day will go, but God may not allow it to happen that way. I can plan a trip to the store when maggie is not tired, but that doesn't mean she won't be fussy. I can plan fun things to do, but maggie can sleep right through them and then they don't happen.
God has been gracious to me in not allowing my plans to happen. DAILY, He is showing me that it has to be His will above MY will, that i am to daily surrender myself and my life to Him.
this has been so humbling and so hard and brought me to my knees. Crying, rocking like a baby, seeing my sin of control, my hands gripped so tightly to my way.

When God gave me this baby, He asked me to give of myself, past what i think i can give, on a daily basis. i think it's one thing to give of yourself for a set time every day, but this job? This is constant.
Above all else, i have seen the enormous task and responsibility of raising Maggie. I can't ignore this command from the Word. but in this, i am paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear of doing this wrong. fear of not doing enough. fear, anxiety....
which brings me back to the One who saved me from myself in the first place, to live for Him. During this season of pruning, figuring out what it means for me to selflessly give of myself for my family, i have realized that i can't do this in my own strength. i will fail miserably when left to myself. I am needier of Jesus than i have ever been. no, that's not true, i am as needy as i always have been, but God is opening my eyes daily to my insufficiency and deep need. i have been clinging to this passage in matthew-“Therefore I tell you, do not worry^(B) about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.^(C) Are you not much more valuable than they?^(D)27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?^(E)

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor^(F) was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?^(G) 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.^(H)33 But seek first his kingdom^(I) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.^(J) 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Maggie is growing up soo fast!! Too fast for me :(. I love her new independence, but i definitely miss her being so little and letting me hold her all the time!! Right now she is-

*16 months

* JUST started walking. We knew she could walk for a while but just didn't want to. I think she's stubborn..it must run in the family. My nickname was "mule" as a kid because i was so stubborn. My parents still call me mule today.

*Very affectionate. maggie loves to be cuddled, held, and to have her face and hands tickled. When she's really sleepy on long car rides, she grabs my hand and puts it on her arm to tickle it.

*Loves to drink "jus". If maggie could, she would drink a gallon of apple juice every day and that's it. She doesn't really like to eat and only eats a few things. 

*Is long and thin. It was really funny when she couldn't walk and just crawled when there were babies twice her size walking!!

*Loves to organize her food. Loves using a plate with dividers and putting her food in different sections. Will also "clean" for us and come hand us crumbs from the floor one at a time and say, "thank you."

*Says "Da-gee" for Maggie, "mose" for nose and loves to point at "tees (trees) and "lise"( lights). 

* Loves taking baths and eating the bubbles. Bubble is her favorite word!

*Is very independent and likes to explore and play by herself.

* Loves to sleep. Maggie asks to go night night every hour or so!! She is only awake a few hours a day! And she loves night time. the later it gets, the more excited she is. (she gets this from me ;))

* Loves music and loves playing the piano.

*Loves animals. The first thing she says every morning when she wakes up is "meow" and asks to go pet our cat!

Being a mom is a true blessing from the Lord. I love getting to teach maggie new things, play with her, and even take care of her. She is such a little gem. I am so thankful for her each day...not that it's not challenging ;)

We were animals...with whiskas

I love halloween. I know some of y'all probably don't do halloween with your families as Christians, but we have decided to have fun with it as long as we don't do the scary stuff. I really LOVE it! ever since i was a little kid, it has been one of my favorite days of the year!!! Plus, Jake and I love dressing up and having fun. It's even more fun with a little girl. Even though she was definitely too young to understand what was going on, we went trick or treating and to my sister's house for a halloween party!! i dressed as a black cat (typical, it's been my costume for the last 7 years), jake was a snake charmer, and peanut was a baby hedgehog!!! 

 Maggie wasn't into her hat at first!!

 Linz and D as an amish couple!!!

 maggie loves Peter!!

 "mom pleeeease get me out of my costume now!!"

 "do you love my whiskers?"

 mags with the fellas!

 little hedge baby exploring!

 tired from the night!

Emmett with maggie's hat on!! His costume was my favorite of the night!

i saw seals and my heart was changed forever ;)

it's been a hectic last few weeks around here! Jake and I went to San Diego for a few days to see some friends from work that expanded campus outreach to san diego a few months ago! it was so fun for us both, kinda like a mini vacation. SO, i've never been to the west coast before but always really wanted to go!! It was just as pretty as i thought it would be, but so different!! i realized..wow i am such a true southerner!! One of my favorite things that we did while we were there was see the seals at la jolla. i am a big animal lover, and i loved taking pictures of them and videos too!! i think we stayed there for an HOUR and jake was getting so tired of it... BUT now i have tons of cute pictures of them! We also got to meet people at the church out there, and it was awesome for me. I think Jesus used the culture to awaken my heart again to the depravity of the human soul, and how desperately each one of us needs the gospel, each one of us needs to meet Jesus face to face. A lot of the time i was walking around, looking at the cultural idols and seeing myself in these people, so into physical beauty, always wanting to do something FUN. both of these are my main idols, and God was showing me a picture of my brokenness all over again. It was fun and humbling and all, not to mention the plane flights. (i am deathly afraid of planes!!)

THEN, once we got back, we went to our staff fellowship time where we basically hang out all day, eat candy and talk about life. Just joking, we do SOME work, but hey, i slept in til 12 one day. maggie decided to, so i reluctantly went along with her. ha. Here are some pics of both trips. I truly LOVE traveling with Jake and love going new places!!

 it was soo pretty!

 i found me, linz and kasey while i was there! ;)

 seals sunbathing!!! so cute!

 seals sitting out!!

 look at this little guy's face!

 us before our date!! :)

 mo and ali at staff fellowship!

 me and james. isn't he soo handsome?!

 my twin sister and her husband, "Big d"!

 us after we lost our games in battle of the sexes. i lost at air hockey. :(

 Maggie woke up at midnight one night. this is her face. she's posing and eating dinner!

 Staff initiation!!