"Maggie, if you do that again mommy will have to spank you."
And as i took her into her room, laid her on her changing table,
put my hand up to spank her little chubby leg,
looked into her vibrant blue eyes, and saw…..
myself as a child.
spank….spank.
In the Christian circles I run in, this topic is always up for discussion…"did you count to three before you spanked her?" "Should i spank her when she pitches a fit?" But what do say when you are suffering from the effects of your abusive childhood? Do you even bring up the questions with your mom group and friends? do you just say, as everyone is talking, "hey guys, should i spank her even though I'm suddenly crying and remembering how I would get chased into my room, beat up, and then left to cry until my face turned splotchy, and wake up and go to school the next morning with puffy eyes. I was left to feel discarded. Abandoned. Like the "worthless piece of nothing" she told me i was.

i have felt really alone the last year and a half in dealing with all of the affects of being abused. But i have found so much comfort from Jesus. When i was in the depths of figuring out if i would spank maggie or not, i clung to the verse, Psalm 23:4 "Though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

In a way, having maggie has forced me to walk back through that valley of a childhood I lived in. Those same feelings of worthlessness, fear, pain, and dread filled me to the brim every time maggie would disobey. "what do i do now?" i would ask myself, 'should i spank her? If i do, will it scar her?" (No, i know it will not scar her, but my mind sees any type of hitting touch as 'bad touch' because of the violence in my home). In these moments, i learned to turn to jesus, to cling to him and know that he would guide me in this and everything with maggie. It has been a long dark road, and i am beginning to see the light. I no longer care if people understand me and what i went through as a child. if you haven't been abused, mocked. mistreated, and scorned, then you won't even begin to understand what it does to your brain.
But Jesus has. Isaiah 53:3 has comforted me in times of weeping and sorrow. It says, " He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Jesus went through way more pain than i have gone through on this earth, so when i go to Him in tears because i look in maggies eyes and think, "how could someone have treated me this way?" He gets it. And He has been there. And He died for the people that treated Him like dirt. And He died for the people that treated me like dirt. And I am free to love them because my love doesn't come from me anyway, it comes from Him. More than anything, my heart longs for friends who will let me be the broken woman that i am. Let Jesus heal me in His timing. let it take the lifetime that it will take-walking through life as a mama to maggie is how God is allowing me to heal, to set new patterns in my family and to look her in the eyes and say, i love you because you're you, because you're made in God's image, and no matter what, i will always love you.

Tonight, i was reminded once again why God allowed me to go through being abused as a child. Jake and i were out on a date at a japanese restaurant and some girls and their boyfriends from high school set down beside us. As the chef was cooking our food, we began to make small talk with two of the girls. Eventually, jake showed them a picture of maggie. And we got on the topic of me being a mom. And i got to tell the story. The awful, awesome story of how God gave us a child and brought healing and hope into my family. How God brought a baby and gave us restoration and forgiveness, apologies and tears. And they both opened up to us. And told us they were from abusive homes.
My heart ached, because in that moment i knew i was doing what God wanted me to do with my story-to proclaim freedom for the captives, to tell them, God still loves you and He has a plan for your life. And to listen. To listen to those girls, those beautiful girls, who, on the outside looked a lot different than me, but on the inside, both just wanted their daddies to say, "You are beautiful. I love you daughter." And i got to tell them the story of how when i was 20 i finally heard God loudly say to me,
You are beautiful.
You are not worthless.
I am glad you were born.
I have always loved you and will alway love you.
I am committed to you forever.

And one of the saddest, most heart-wrenching moments of the night was when Jake got up to use the bathroom, and one girl leaned over to me and said, "y'all are the sweetest, cutest couple ever. And you have the most precious baby ever." And i wanted to weep right there in front of them and say, "We are the same inside. God wants to give you a beautiful life. God wants to heal your broken heart." And it was so sad, yet so beautiful at the same time, how they both opened up with Jake, and how when they found out he was a dad they felt like they could trust him, and how he did understand them! He understood the pain and suffering they have been going through!
And i thought about it this way-God was so gracious to give me and Jake to each other so that we could understand people who have different stories than our own. how 6 years ago Jake didn't have a heart for abused people, but now, as we were leaving the restaurant, we both said in unison,
Conversations like that make me feel so alive. i feel so at home when i'm talking about brokenness.

its because we are at home. we are all at the foot of the cross. all broken. it may not look the same on the outside, but we are desperate and needy for the One who reaches down and comforts us, and will comfort us forever.

bruises

this is the beginnings of a poem i wrote about my childhood…it's pretty dark but very therapeutic for me so it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!!

Stability, safety, love and attention,

Sprinkler, tricycles, laughter and popsicles,

Two curly heads bobbing in the stroller,

No one could have predicted what would happen when we got older.

new house, new church, new school, new friends,

everything suddenly changing in those winter months,

you used to love  us, you used to care,

now you work long hours and are never there.

Hardship of trying to fit in  and find friends,

Secretly thankful to always have had my twin.

We’d take your absence any day,

If it meant that youd take back all the words you would say.

The donut was thrown as you rushed us out the door,

Astonished, hurt, confused, who is this woman we call mom?

We get to the school and you blame it on the twins,

But we cant be the scapegoat for all of your sins.

Who could ever have predicted?

Who could have known?

That one little incident of throwing some food,

Would snap you into a different woman with a completely different mood.

Our elementary years flew by so fast,

We’d just hide our bruises in kickball and in class,

"Die today die today" was always what you said,

And our fragile tea cup hearts just filled up with dread.

What did you think when you looked into our sad blue eyes?

Did you think all the parties and gifts would make up for bruises and slaps?

Did you know that your girls would have a lifetime of fighting lies,

All because you treated us like we were the devil in disguise?

Ill never forget those gritting teeth and secret words of abuse,

Shattering my heart, it never got easier to take,

I would walk on eggshells each time you were around,

Just waiting for the next punch or slap to pound my head into the ground.

The years flew by and our confidence was shaken,

We had perfect marks in school, nice clothes, plenty of toys,

But years later people would say “I knew something was going on”

The way you and your twin would hide from people and sit on the outskirts, all alone.

My adolescent years it was the hardest to stomach,

My heart was so tender I needed extra affirmation and trust,

But I drowned my sorrows in food and perfection,

When all I really wanted was a mom’s love and affection.

The jangle of that demon deacon key chain happened time and time again,
what a joke you were, you were never a father, you were never a friend.

A foe hidden behind your façade of peace and pride,

Who is that shell of a man living inside?

Summer Leadership Project Recap

Our time at the beach was so fun this year. God did so much in the hearts of the students that came to the Leadership Project for 8 short weeks. We are so excited about what God will do in each of their lives this next school year!!

This is a video Jake put together from some students he interviewed the last night we were in Myrtle Beach. We hope this gives you a small glimpse into our world as missionaries on the college campus!!

5 things i'm loving right now

It's finally starting to feel like summer around here!! :) :) For me, that means i am always in a tank top and shorts and flip flops. In just 3 short weeks, we will be heading to myrtle beach for a month for the leadership project once again!! i can't wait to live beside the beach again ;). here's 5 little things i'm obsessed with right now:

1. This swimsuit from target- call me babyish, call me color obsessed....i love this cute suit. I love it because it's ruffly and modest!!! I am all about a modest suit and this one is so cute!! i just got it and i know it will be my new favorite!

2. Kiehl's coconut lip balm. I have been using this stuff for years. It is amazing. Like a pillow for your lips. I get it at the Kiehl's counter at Belk and it lasts at least 6 months!! it instantly reminds me of summer.

3. These awesome pants from j crew outlet. they may look a little mom-ish, but i'm all about them. i am pairing them with a navy cotton peplum shirt or a bright orange tank for a more casual look.

4.This nail polish by zoya in "lovely." It is the perfect sky blue and looks great with a tan!! It stays on super long and is organic too. it's like clouds in a bottle.

5. Organix sea salt spray- i love this stuff. It is great for hair like mine that's wavy/curly and looks very beachy, plus it's only $8.00 at walmart!

No one told me.

No one told me....

that when you have a baby, your heart expands farther than you ever thought it could.

that i would truly find my calling in life in being called mommy.


that all my dreams and plans for something bigger and something more wouldn't seem so important anymore.

that my heart would find forever love in being a mom to my little peanut.

I love my little maggie so much. Lately, in moments of downtime, i find myself praising God and thanking Him that it took Him giving me a surprise pregnancy and a surprise baby to gently teach me these things. As many friends as i have that have told me how amazing (and amazingly hard too at times) it is to be a parent, i am really experiencing it. I am experiencing the nearness to God, the teachable moments that He has for MY heart in being a parent. Everyday He teaches me how messed up I am as i try to correct maggie's bad behavior, but then i turn and am faced with my own sinful heart.

As I rock Maggie at night, change another diaper, or cut up her food into little bites, i find myself grateful. I am grateful to God for a husband that loves Jesus and loves my family and wants to parent maggie well. I am grateful that i am free to stay at home with maggie every day, to teach her, nurture her and discipline her.

No one told me how much i would fall in love with my sweet little Maggie Grace. Nothing could have prepared me for the joy and hardship of becoming a mom, and seeing the depths of my sin even more.

God is so good.

clinging to the cross

Since becoming a Christian, i have had all kinds of responses to my past. My tragic past. The most common ones are

"but you're a new creation in Christ now. All that stuff doesn't affect you."

"That stuff will be a good kind of pain someday, like the pain of childbirth." 

"You need to move on and get over it."

"I don't want that to always affect you.."

I get it. The people who told me these things most likely were ignorant or scared. Scared of the horror of my story. Clueless. Maybe numbing their own pain in a way. 

What i've come to realize is that life is full of pain for every person, Christian or not. 

We live in a hurting world. People are crying out for attention, desperate for love. They may not cry out in the way Maggie does (well she actually screams) but they may "cry" out with the way they dress, how they spend their time, what they become known for.

I know. I have been there. Before God truly adopted me into His family, i tried to define myself by so many things, but they were empty. 

The truth is, that God loves me so much. More than i could ever comprehend. In fact, He allowed me to endure 15 or so long years of deep pain and scars. 

The scars will heal, but they will never go away. They are etched on my soul, written on my mind. I can not erase the memories that haunt me sometimes. They are there. They really happened. That pain is not a quick pain that happens once and then leaves a scar. That pain was one i endured day after day, month after month, year after year.

I truly do believe that God is faithful. Romans 8:28 tells me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called  according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called;those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.

I know that God allowed me to endure these deep scars for my good and for the good of others. This doesn't make them easier to bear at times, for they break me time and time again, and i reach the end of myself over and over again, only to find His face there. To see His grace.

Around here

Lately, things have been fun around our house!! Last week, we took a week to rest and relax since students were away, and we went to jake's parents cabin in north carolina.
while we were there we cooked, played with maggie, and got snowed in!! we also played scattergories nightly, just me and jake <3 .="" p="">then, jake's mom and sister came to visit us!! we never get to see them much, so it was a treat!! also, they let us go to dinner and a walk, just the two of us. i am all about some one on one time with my man.
then, we visited my family in north carolina for a night to see my little sister, who was home from spring break in college.
it was so fun to see her.
she is really growing up and loves jesus so much.
what more could a big sister ask for??! i am so proud of her.
we rested, we ate, we played.

in the midst of all this, i have been wrestling with the Lord. wrestling with insecurity and identity. sometimes, i like to go at life really really fast and fill my days up, and i am coming to realize that while it is a good thing i am adventurous, at times it can be bad.
it fills the void so i don't have to face the hard stuff.
the hard pruning that the Lord is doing in my life and in my heart.
But He wants me to change and grow and be molded into the woman He is creating me to be each day.
so...i also had time to reflect on me. And the main thing i realized is that i often don't get grace.
how He loves me through all my mess ups, issues, and failures.
how He accepts me because of Jesus.
how He loves when i spend time with Him.


i don't get it.

But i am praying daily and seeking Him in His word, praying that He would help me to accept this grace He has given me, and to give it away to others.